Breathe in … Breathe out
She naps on my chest, breathing in, then out. I stop and take a deep breath. Our days have been so long lately. I’m lucky if I get a shower. She naps better when I wear her. And sit on the exercise ball. So today, I choose to not take a shower and let the house sit in disarray as I bounce. Up and down. Up and down. Like a metronome.
It gets monotonous. I get caught up in wanting alone time. Frustrated when she wakes earlier than I would like. The thoughts in my brain usually go something like this:
Really? I JUST put you down. I just got out of the shower … can’t I have just a few minutes to drink my coffee? Maybe read and reflect on God’s word? I’m trying to be better about that you know … but you’re really making it difficult.
As I smell her hair and put my cheek against her head, I remind myself – I was made for this. God created her tiny little body in the most perfect way. We are connected – physically, emotionally, spiritually.
I love her so much it brings tears to my eyes. As hard as some days are, I would trade nothing in the world for it. Her smiles, her cries, nursing her, wearing her … loving her every second of every day.
Most days, I don’t get a chance to miss her. But the second I get in my car to go somewhere without her, I’m a tiny bit jealous of the person I left her with. What if they see something I haven’t seen yet? What if I miss it?! It only takes about a minute for me to miss her more than I could ever imagine.
I never knew love like this.
I can’t help but think about all those children in the world that have no parents. Not the ones that are orphaned because of the death of a parent, but the ones where the parents have given them up. Maybe it’s for a good reason. Sometimes it’s not. But how in the world do the parents do it? How can they walk away from that tiny little being that is so much a part of them?
Before, I would go back and forth between being angry at those parents and being disappointed in the circumstances that caused it. But now, I just feel sympathy for them. My heart breaks for them. What has happened in their life to make them feel as if they had no choice but to abandon their child?
When I set all judgments aside, all that’s left is wonder and sadness. Sadness that they have to experience the pain of giving a child up. Wondering what I can do to help love them through the decision they find themselves forced to make. It can’t be easy.
I give thanks to God that I’m not in that situation. That my child is healthy and happy with two parents who can give her everything she needs. That I am able to stay at home and watch her every move. Thankful that I don’t have to experience the pain of walking away.
And I pray for those who are. Pray that God give them peace in their decision. That God heals their heart and makes them whole. And that God holds them tenderly every step of the way.
